haiz..i m back again..today..still not much diff leh..finished my FYP meeting den go buy drinks..after tat went to the lab tat dear is in..i went to talk to her..but she still talks to me without looking at me..haiz..den i ask her why her blog's title sound abit emo end up she shakes her head onli..always liktt dun tell me anything..hmm den at 12 her lesson starts again so went to 2034..i oso went there..but till 1+ i left for club le..went to find jw to talk..den talk till cry..i oso cant help it lor..haiz..coz if stay in lab somemore i really cant take it sia..coz i was sitting at the last row..n when she walks out of the lab..she jus walk pass me as if i m not there at all..cant she jus look at my n smile or wat ma?? haiz..i feel so invisible..so extra there..haiz..does she knows how i feel??

i really felt like letting her know..but..wat will happen after tat?? haiz..i dunno n i dun wan to take any risk at all..so confused..haiz..she wrote in her blog tat she thinks she is not the old her anymore..i oso feel i m not like myself anymore..the old me is always jking n laming ard one lor..but now?? i like everyday oso no mood do things..the onli thing i keep hoping is we can be ok again..den ard 4+ i went back to 2034 to look for her again..at 1st wan acc jw go collect his specs de..but dear say she not feeling well so i went to find her instead..i was worried..den reach there..the whole time she oso nv look at me once or talk to me lor..even her fren talked to me..she like treat me as invisible..tats wat i felt..is she trying to make me feel tired?? den i will leave her?? wats is she thinking abt all the time?? i really dun understand her sia..

nvm lets continue from where we stopped at..after she finished doing her things in the lab..she say she wan go back club do something..so we went back tgt..on the way she give me those very tired de feeling lor..i know she is tired la..but den reach club she like not tat tired liao..cant jump n run..infront of the others can liktt den infront of me why diff?? haiz..den we went home..we took mrt wif cch liying n sanee..den she read her book again..den when i wan put my hand ard her waist she somehow go stand abit further..i ask her stand nearer to the pole she refused..alrdy out of club le oso muz keep distance meh?? cch is vp leh..he oso nv liktt..haiz..he stand so close to liying lor..den nvm..on NEL we sit down den i got hold her hand awhile..yup really awhile onli..5 sec i think..or maybe abit more than tat..sadded..why will everything become liktt?? den reach hougang le we alight..den on the escalator going up n out of the station, i wanted to hold dear's hand..but she say she wan find her keys..so i help her lor..i tot after finding can hold her hand again..den when reach the top we see heavy rain..sian la..den i hold her umbrella for her..i made sure she wont kanna the rain coz she sick..den my tshirt was half wet alrdy..but nvm..den we took the shelter to her house..but as we r reaching the traffic light, she ask me go home 1st..coz she dun wan me to get sick oso..so i listen to her lor..but i stand there looking at her walk home..den as i was going to walk back le..the rain stopped..WTF la..even the weather wan make fun of me izzit?!?!?!?! AHHHH!!!! haiz..why liktt de..

hmm den jus now i msg her..she say she thinking abt things again..so i ask her wat she thinking abt..she nv reply..den after waiting for quite long i msg her again..i ask her whether she still thinking abt things anot..den i say dis few days i see her keep thinking den dun wan tell me wat izzit, makes me feel worry..but she replied she have been thinking for a few mths alrdy..i was very very worried la..den i ask her izzit something abt us anot..she nv reply..sometimes i jus hope she wont hide things from me..2 person tgt shld not keep secrets from each other de ma..she say i dun understand her enuff..but when i wan get to know her better..abt all the things she thinking abt..she dun tell me..liktt wat she wan me to do sia??? haiz..i msg her le..abt the things i felt..hope tat can help..but i scared she will ignore me more tml sia..wat to do?!?!?! think le wan cry again..i like so weak, always wan cry..haiz..useless minglei..haiz..maybe shld jus go die..den nth more to bother abt le..haiz..

hey blog..it had been ages since i last blog a post..more than a yr le, maybe even 2 yrs..hmm but now i m back..haiz..i have deleted the old posts becoz i dun think they r needed anymore le..n maybe from today onwards, dis will onli be a blog for me to post all my worries n troubles without anyone knowing it..anyway i think no one will come read dis blog le ba, as it have been died for so long..haiz..

anyway..i m finally attached again le..till today, we have been tgt for 14mths n 19 days le..i m really very glad to have met her..n till today, my love for her has nv changed..infact i love her more day by day..all dis started from the day we met each other in FO camp..i m a PC n she is a freshman..when i 1st saw her i alrdy felt myself being attracted to her becoz she is cute n such a hyper gal..hmm den on the day we finished our telemach in sch, a grp of us went out tgt..of coz the 2 of us r there too..haha..n we took neoprint..i laminated mine n kept it in my wallet..it's still in there now..14mths old le..haha..still well kept..

den after our camp n telematch ends we r still contacting each other..n next is our grp, CONDORS' outing..all of us had a great time..n later tat nite, she asked me to follow her to her fren's chalet becoz it's her fren's bday..so i agreed n went there wif her..n when we reached pasir ris mrt station, i gathered all my courage n held her hand n walked out of the mrt..n surprisingly she did not let go..haha..n tat's how we got tgt..if i did not rmb wrongly, tat day was 11th of april 2006..n tat was the happiest day of my life..

n soon after..it's our 1 mth anniversary..we went out tgt to celebrate..haha..we went to take neoprint n after taking, we went to laminate the neoprints so the colors wont fade away n can be kept for a long long time..i oso gave her a a necklace wif a heartshaped pendant which she is still wearing today..

oh ya..b4 tat was my 18th bday..she celebrated it wif me..haha..so happy..1st celebrating my bday wif my dear..haha..she gave me a metal bracelet n a necklace as bday present..but i did not wear them at all..becoz they dun suit my style..but tat doesnt mean i dun like them..it's a present from my dear leh..of coz i will like it de ma..but den she is sad becoz she tot i dun like it n said she is lousy as she doesnt know wat i like..haiz..sorry dear for making u sad..

hmm..den comes 19th july, our 100 days anniversary..lols..we r so happy tgt lor..loving each other so much back den..but now..haiz..lets not talk abt it 1st..haiz..next lets jump to 11th of august..our 4th mth anniversary..yay..haha..we went to see fireworks tat nite..wif her frens, xiuzhen, serene n angie..the fireworks r so so pretty..den after watching we went to marina sq to take pics..n i used one of the pics as my hp wall paper..a pic of me n dear..haha..tat nite was really unforgetable..haha..

for the 1st few mths, i really had a wonderful time wif her..i tot i have found my happiness le..we r always so happy tgt..wif no worries or wat so ever..n in all her msgs, i can feel her love for me..always saying she miss me alot n wans to hug me so much..haha..but den the day came, for her to become a PC for FO camp..at 1st we r still ok..den slowly her msgs starts to get diff..lesser 'miss ya lotx' n 'wan hug dear' kind of phrases le..but i told myself tat she is jus tired becoz of the planning of camp..so i did not bother abt it..

den one day, i heard she went to the hospital wif xz..den slowly from tat day onwards..the way she treat me oso started to change..she started to treat me abit colder..n her msgs..seldom have sweet phrases le..den oso spend lesser time wif me..at least tats wat i felt..but i told myself again..maybe she is jus worried abt xz so need spend more time wif her instead..so i did not bother abt it again..becoz i believe everything will be back to normal again after FO..but den..I WAS WRONG!!! haiz..ok maybe the way she treat me is back to normal..but the msgs..really seldom have those phrases le..den as time pass, i cant feel as much love from her as b4 anymore..i used to feel them from the content of the msgs she sent me..n now she seldom include those phrases,so i felt lesser love from her too..haiz..

so one day i asked her..whether she still loves me anot..she tells me she dun know n tells me dun think too much..upon hearing tat i almost cried..it's really pain to know tat the person u loved doesnt know whether he or she still loves u anot..haiz..but after some talk, she say tat she cant lose me..so i ask her abt the way she msg me nowadays..she told me tat after FO..her thoughts had become more matured n she thinks tat such things doesnt have to be expressed using msgs..becoz actions speaks louder than words..n she tells me not to think too much..so i respect her decision n din bother abt it once again..

n den for a period of time we r ok again..den hug each other, hold each others' hands, n kiss of coz, we oso go out for dates, but not much becoz she is busy wif her sch work..but not as loving as how we used to be le..becoz she seldom hug me 1st or holds my hand 1st one..maybe she's shy la..but..haiz..n she was the one who says tat she doesnt have to show how much she misses me or wans to hug me using msgs..but can show using actions ma..why she not doing it?

den comes the day she became an MC in the club..n den there's a rule saying 'BGR is not encouraged in club'..at 1st i tot tat wont be a prob..but who knows..she started to keep distance from me..at 1st we r still ok when not in club..den when reach SAC we became like pple from 2 diff world..she wont pay much attention to me..which makes me feel sad..the distance she kept is really abit too much le lor..more than wat jw n cch is doing..haiz..she tells me she wan set gd example for the yr1s to follow so i ok lor..but den the distance is really too much le..i know we cant be too close like hold hands or hug her n club but cant i even stand beside her? cant we even talk like normal frens?!

i rmb on our club's AGM..after AGM we r eating outside..den i took some creampuffs n ask her whether she wans anot..she said dun wan..but den i din care abt tat..wat i care abt is she din even come n find me during tat whole period of time..she was sitting at the table outside the LT eating..den i went over to sit beside her..she din talk much to me..den soon she finished her food n tells me she wan go get somemore..n den she nv comes back to the table again..izzit becoz i m sitting there? i dunno..den it's time for the movie screening le..so everyone enters the LT to watch it..she went in wif august n meh meh..n din even bother abt me..nv ask me sit beside her or wat..i really feel hurt la..haiz..like how can she treat me till dis way becoz of tat STUPID RULE?!?!?! haiz..den i went in n sit at the row behind her..august saw me n said, 'u wan sit beside her rite?'..den dear turn to look at me..den she jus ignore n turn back..i felt so awkward lor..abt the way she treated me..how can she jus changed her attitude liktt? has she spare a tot for my feelings anot? haiz..if she wan to be liktt at least tell me b4 hand ma..but den i still end up sitting beside her..hmm den when i wan to hold her hand..she jus pull it away..the room is dark le why muz she still be liktt?!?! hold awhile will die ma?? haiz..sometimes think le i really dunno wat to do sia..

den lets jump again..to subcom camp..advance day was gd..she treat me better le..i was happy again..den on the 1st nite when having debrief..the female cooks..go say wat dun hanky panky in the campsite, wat blablabla shit..knn lor..end up from 2nd day onwards she start to keep distance from me again..i sitting where den she muz be at another spot..haiz..dear ah..no hanky panky in campsite doesnt mean cant talk much to me or sit beside me rite..haiz..

den during the 2nd week of term break i ask her if she was free to go out..she say she very busy..den i onli say if onli she nv accept to be MC den wont be so busy le..but she had made her shoice so i will support her de....den dunno how she ended go taking it tat i m blaming her for accepting the post..i nv meant tat at all lor..haiz..den she say i tat time still supporting her..now blaming her..i say IF onli u nv acc ma..where got blame..i really got support u lor..but i apologized to dear for making her sad..den i say she can scold me de..but she say how can she scold me, she onli hope i can be more understanding for her..so i promised her i will be more understanding de..n i oso said i hope she will understand me more oso..abt wat i wan..but she say she think she dun have wat i wan..haiz..actually all tat i wanted was to feel her love..i wan her to hug me as much as last time..let me hold her hand for a long long time..kiss me as much as b4..is all these really so hard?? she can do them in the past so why cant do them again now?! if she still love me as much why cant do it? n i m not meaning in club leh..i mean when we r outside..

i oso asked her whether she hope we can be as happy as our 1st few mths tgt tat time anot..she say she hope so too..but nowadays if i nv think so much den she thinks it's enuff le..but do u think it's me who wan to think so much de meh?? i oso dun wan ma..makes me sad all the time..den no mood do things at all..but still i will think alot..becoz of the way she treat me..the feeling she gave me..maybe she din know it but she's making me feel tat she dun love me tat much le..haiz..den i tell her i will change..n ask her can we start anew anot..she say ok n lets work hard tgt..n i tot our relationship will improve le..but den...haiz..lets read on..

dis mon she told me after lesson she need go hang banner for her SPTunes event..so i say after sch i acc go hang ok..she say see 1st..so after lesson i go club wait for her..den i went for a walk wif jw to main lib print things..den when go back club dear is there le..wif the banner..den i say i go hang it wif her..n guess wat she say?? 'i ask kianleong help me le'..at tat pt i was like..wtf lor..morning i alrdy ask i go hang it wif her can..den end up she ask him..wat is dis?? sometimes i feel jealous abt him lor..why muz be her kor?? got so many gals ard why choose her? den sometimes i feel like he know more things abt dear than i did..haiz..maybe in the future she will end up wif him?? who knows..haiz..i hope not..i really dun wan to lose her..but den jw help me by asking me go help her..so can use it as excuse to help her..but den i see when she talk to raymond or kl..the way is diff when talking to me de..when she talk to them even if tired she oso got smile or wat de..but talk to me she nv show any expression..den sometimes talk to me oso nv look at me one..it's a kind of courtesy to look at the person u talking to ma..haiz..

den later tat day i accompany her home..on the train i wan hug her she like keep somehow move herself away de..den the whole time in train she jus keep looking downwards..nv look at me at all..i can tell tat she is thinking of things so ask her wat she thinking of, but she jus shake her head..many times i ask her things she oso jus shake her head..why?? den on NEL we sit down n she wans to slp so i ask her rest her head on my shoulder..but she dun really wan to..i wan hold her hand she oso like dun wan let me hold..den when she hold her file she hold wif 2 hands..end up i cant hold her hand..nowadays like i stand on which side of her den she will be holding something on tat side de hand de..den when going up escalator i wan kiss her she oso turn her head away..last time wont liktt de lor..why is she doing dis?? it's making me feel more tat she dun love me tat much le leh..haiz..or izzit becoz she always keep distance from me in club till used to it le?? sometimes i got many qtns wan ask her but scared make her sad so nv ask..end up troubling myself wif so many probs..haiz..thinking abt them every min..n trying not to let her know..

den on tues..she waited for me in video lab coz my lesson till 6..den go club do things..den when going home, i see her taking alot of things so wan help her take..but she refused..i say i see her take so heavy things really wan to help her take..den she say 'if i can bring them to sch, i can bring them back'..nowadays she oso keep using dis sentence..wats wrong wif bf helping gf take things? is tat a crime? no ma..haiz..den she hold so many things..i wan hold her hand oso cant le..but i still got grab her hand to hold..den hold awhile she pull away her hand to tidy her hair..den go hold her things again..somemore when i hold her hand, her hand is relaxed for me to hold..so if i nv use strength to hold her hand den both will let go le..n the way she let me hold is like normal frens play games hold hand tat kind..i got tell her b4 i think liktt hold means normal frens lor..so is she hinting me something? haiz i dunno..den reach her house there..she got come hold my hand lor..so i ok again..den we said goodbye n she walks home..but she nv turn back see me again de..which she does last time..

den today..even worst sia..from the moment we leave sch..till reach the block beside her house..we nv hold hands at all..haiz..she jus keep holding her things wif both hands..sometimes i wonder..when can her hands finally be free again? very hard la..she everyday got bring file..haiz..

nowadays me n her r really starting to look like xz n jw le lor..i know i shldnt be talking abt their things here..so i apologize to both jw n xz..i really scared tat one day we will end up like them..i dun wan tat to happen..i wished we can be happy again..haiz..it's so hard..haiz haiz haiz haiz haiz..i really feel tat we r drifting apart..not as close as how we used to be le..but i dun wan it to be liktt..nowadays i felt tat she dun like me to hug her, hold her hand or kiss her anymore le leh..haiz..now the onli time i get to kiss her is when we r at the void deck..but she oso let me kiss awhile den wan go off le..last time we kiss so long lor..i feel tat we r becoming more n more like normal frens le leh..jw told me to sent her a msg saying how i felt..but i jus dunno how to send leh..coz i scared end up is i think too much..coz everyday when she msg me at nite like ok again..she feel so diff when she msg me n when i see her face to face..now when i got see a 'hughug' in her msg i alrdy very very happy le sia..it used to be included in every msgs..why now lidat? den her blog title oso put "flying alone....away"..wat does tat means?? she think she is alone? wat abt me?she dun think i m wif her?? or she wans to fly away alone from me?? haiz..tat time i ask her whether she will wait for me to finish NS anot..she say she will..now i not sure whether she still will wait for me anot le lor..somehow she makes me feel so unsecure abt our love sia..i dun think she will be reading dis blog ba..i hope she wont know abt dis blog too..or else things will get worst ba..haiz..

who can help me??!!?!?!?! tell me wat to do leh..i m jus so so so confused..haiz..sometimes think till wan cry sia..den no mood do things oso..especially my FYP..haiz..everyday reach home jus sit somewhere dreaming..open FYP file le oso no mood do..god help me leh..